The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
