Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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