All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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