At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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