I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
