my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
nutella sex= disaster
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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