So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
