you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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