There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
