By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
