I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
