is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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