Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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