She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
