watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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