census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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