I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
