Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Boobs speak an international language.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Randomize
