this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
