It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
