I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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