Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
