I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
