I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
