either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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