I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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