Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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