Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
