he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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