So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
