I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
