My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Oh god it's open bar.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
