I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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