He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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