I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i need an iv and a liver transplant
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
