All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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