Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
