I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
