i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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