i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
