Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
