Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
