Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
