It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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