Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
