I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
