dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
