so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
