but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
