Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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