I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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